Recently, before school got out for the holidays, it was really cold out before I jumped in the pool. The covers weren't off the pool yet when I was ready so I just slipped on a jacket. My legs don't really get cold so I didn't really put anything else on. A couple of the girls was talking about how my legs weren't too long or too short. And then one of them was all "oh yeah, you have a nice body." I found it a bit strange for some reason. No one really tells me that and it's always awkward for me when someone mentions it. I honestly never really inspect myself that much. I just do what I do to try to stay fit and that's really it. I guess I can conclude that I have nice legs because now as I'm typing this, I remember other occurrences in which someone commented on them. Silly of me, I wouldn't really know that myself.

What's the favor I speak of?

( Well it's something completely off topic. )

I've come to realize that I don't think I'll ever be as carefree as I was as a freshman. For instance, I remember doing band things rather fun and now its a chore for me. It seemed to get old really fast. Anything I did seem very fun, even the stressful times I had. I suppose it only seemed that way since I had my first real brake-through from my emo period in junior high. I still don't want to do anything in school anymore. I somehow still get decent grades though. I just feel like I could just spend the rest of my life listening to music and think, since its all I ever do anymore except for griping about stuff.

I got to thinking yesterday- I had this fear of guys for the longest time. Just yesterday, we had team pictures and I finished early so I had to go practice with the guys. I totally freaked for some reason and hid and the locker room. I explained to a few of the girls that I wasn't comfortable doing that and they were totally laughing in my face. In an unrelated note, It was then that I was reminded why I don't hang out with most girls my age in swimming. And all this time I thought it was just my maturity level matching the freshman's. I ended up swimming in a lane with some older guy. He moved away when I got in. I felt this whole "oh, I'm ugly since guys run away from me" moment, but I quickly realized that I didn't like most of the boys in swimming so it didn't matter. My tastes run a bit queer sometimes like my recent obsession with Miyavi.

Anyway, that lead me to realize that I didn't like a lot of people in swimming. I wondered why I was there in the first place. The only reason why I'm in the sport is to keep in shape for waterpolo and finding that the meets could be really exciting. Other than that, its a real drag because of the people.

I don't really have a low self-esteem of myself necessarily. On a extremely good day, I might think I'm actually good looking for once. It makes me feel happy. Ever since I got sick though, I look tired all the time, like some zombie, even though I feel fine. But to tell you the truth, I'm not that pretty, I'm just a young Italian girl that really works at it. And it has never occurred to me until recently that many girls dress up all for men and that was never my motivation... it had always been something for myself. I sometimes wish I didn't care so I could leave my hair untamed and dress in whatever like my sister, but I just can't...

I feel really old lately since I feel out of touch with girls my age in America. I watch American Idol, as the two people that actually read my rants know, and there are so many fangirls for people like David Castro. I don't hate the guy but he kinda creeps me out. Anyway, he has all of these girls drooling over him while I just don't understand what they see in them. Same goes for the other David. I watch TV and I don't recognize anybody anymore. I was able to identify people easily back in junior high and now I'm always going "whose that?" When I watch TV. I suppose its because I don't really watch TV that often anymore. I don't really listen to the radio much anymore too. I listen to all of this music online nowadays and it isn't popular pop stuff either.

Not a lot of people really get me either, so let me give you a runthrough of my days. Art is good because about four people in that class get me. All of those other annoying girls don't annoy me so much. They're really nice people too. My new history class is full of stupid, but I can completely ignore them thanks to Leslie. I have no friends in my advisement. Its me and a few other people that are white and the rest are Mexican. That normally doesn't bother me but they totally are very nationalistic about things and but down everything that is truely American. These two white girls are totally preppy and they make me want to hurl myself off a cliff. And there are these two jocks that talk to the girls and they don't get me either. Entech is fine I suppose. Everyone seems to fear me for some odd reason and don't really talk to me except for any of the girls. Band is where I'm lost. Everyone is pants on head retarded and support everything the new director does, including the uniforms that look like a gay version of star trek. These people that I had high respect for in the past lost all sense. The girls seems to flirt with him and it makes me ill. The man also wants to make a separate percussion class. I didn't want to come back next year before because of how many people were going to be gone, how bored I was all the time, and how frustrated my section made me. But this did it in for me. I hate my section and the only thing bearable in that class are my few friends in the Clarinet section. English was nice until we moved seats and I have typical teenagers that have a normal line of thinking that I was never able to grasp.

I realized that American Idol is like an abusive spouse. It promises you stuff only to break your heart in the end. and even though it does that, you come back to it the next season. I seriously say for the past few seasons "this sucks, I'm not watching it anymore" and here I am watching it. Micheal Johns was voted off. Now that I think about it, I'm not really sad because I think someone might give him a record deal, but it still pissed me off that he was kicked off before a few others did. Its not really fair, but nothing is.

I come with no updates again, but no one complains of this since no one really reads this stuff anyway since this whole blog is just for me spilling my thoughts.

There was band camp. It was kinda difficult since I was actually playing challenging music. I made some new friends and it was nice seeing Kaeli again. Unfortunately, I don't have lunch this year with any of my colorgaurd friends.

There was hell week. That was hell. But I'm in shape for one and things are hard now that I'm on Varsity this year. Woah dang!

School started today. My schedule goes like this:

-Studio Art
-Math Analysis (Pre-Calculus)
-AP US History
-Symphonic Band
-Advanced English 11
-Waterpolo/Swimming

Studio art is really small. There's only like ten people in there. My friend PJ was there and one of the varsity waterpolo girls was there too. Its going to be a lovely class to wake up to.

Math seemed okay... for now. I'm probably going to get stressed with the class because I'm such a procrasintator. The teacher is nice, I hope he teaches well. My friend Keri is in with me.

I'm probably going to have a problem with procrastination for AP history too. AJ, Sonam, and Alexis is in the class with me too.

Symphonic Band seems to be the same as always, only with new people.

English was nice, I knew a great amount of people in there. I made friends with a black and an asian. Now I'm only half a loser.

Waterpolo's going to be hard, but I'm looking forward to the games because that part of the sport is what makes it fun. The practices are always going to be hell.

I'm realizing that the punk/emo style is in where I live. Everywhere I looked, there were people wearing skinny jeans or black pants, short spiked hair, lots of makeup (if any) and piercings everywhere I go. I recalled that a large mass were preppy last year. I was going to try the emo thing over the summer but never got around to it. I'm happy I didn't because I'll just be like everyone else... now I'm going to continue what I do before, the infamous hybrid of prep/ghetto/punk.

In terms of art, I did the following:

'Til I Come

Sorry its only like one thing. I was busy procrastinating on my summer homework and band camp and hell week. I found a new way of line art. Its a lot cleaner. I feel more confident in my comp coloring. HOWEVER, I realized the difference between the hands and a few other details, and now I'm not too fond of the piece. :<

I'll live.

I want to get it out because I just don't say it.

I feel so stressed. I had last minute history stuff to turn in, but that's not the source of most of the stress I've been getting.

I am so behind in math homework and I have a test tomorrow. I just would have a normal time studying for that, but nooooo, my mom knows I got a 60 on my last test and now wants to see ALL of my math homework. I haven't done my math homework for that section, so that's why I had such a bad grade on that test. But I think I'm fine, but now I feel like I MUST get an A on the next test to my mom would get get off my case.

English, I have a project due and I haven't started that. I have a million of things to do in there.

I have a chemistry lab that's overdue and I have no idea how to do it and my lab partner has no idea what she's doing either.

I feel like I just don't have enough time in the day to finish anything. I get home and then go to swimming and then I have like four hours to do something until it becomes an undecent hour. I end up staying up anywhere between 10:00PM-3:00AM every day and I have to get up like at 6 for A period. I end up getting like 0 sleep. That's probably the reason I got sick and being sick caused me to be even MORE behind and confused than before. I can't tell mom that or she'll flip and be on my case all the time and I DONT want that because I'll feel even more stressed.

I went to math tutoring and skipped most of swimming this week and I feel like I STILL haven't accomplished anything. I came home and cried alone in my room. I just felt so stressed and I couldn't do anything or something like that.... Its just so hard to explain....

I want time to just stop so I can just sit there and relax for just this once. But everything moves so fast and I feel like I just can't keep up. I'm falling behind...







I think I hurt someone today. I didn't mean it on purpose though. I saw this one girl this morning with this guy I knew. This girl was in 3rd period with me and I asked her if she was going out with them because they were holding hands and everything. She said no, then began to bury her face on her desk when she sat down. I wasn't sure if she was stressed out about something or upset about something I said. I'm afraid she was upset of something I said, but I just wish it was just stress from classes and not me.



I should be doing things now, but I feel like I must type it down or I would go INSANE. I needed to let it out... I hoped I would feel much better after this.... I kinda do, but appearantly better isn't good enough....